Asking Members to Leave

A daunting thought, for reasons that might not be the ones that stand out in your head. Sure, you have the members you ban, or that you sever from the site because they are essentially a 'virus' to the community or the site itself. Those are a handful enough.

But what about the members that aren't healthy to themselves? The ones that take things way too personally, that can't separate IC & OOC, that are basically having conniption fits if they perceive that someone is looking at them funny.

I'm asking because @Yazzeh and I are making a list of people that don't 'fit' anymore. They are people who do all of the above and can get moody if they think you're slighting them, even when you're not. Just yesterday, I asked a member to not come back to the site when we reopen it because she has some issues that she's not gotten resolved. She takes things to heart, even in character, and we're gearing our site to be 'darker' and have themes of violence that I don't think she could handle. This person and I used to be very close friends but she's done some things to make myself and Yaz very uncomfortable writing with her.

I feel bad, but I also feel like a weight's been lifted from my shoulders. Unfortunately, we still have a few people to approach about the same thing. While yesterday's conversation went smoothly, we know and recognize that everyone is different and others may not take it so well. They may throw fits or get rude or depressed or something.

So I would like to know. How do you handle those people? Do you leave them be and let them leave on their own time, or do you nudge them out for their own benefit? How do you navigate the treacherous waters of those conversations, if you do at all?

 

It's such a tough one and honestly, it's even harder when you're dealing with people that you often don't know well. Speaking from my own experience it's usually a situation where I want to try and avoid confrontation because for me RPs are a bit of escapism and I don't want to deny people their escape too but in truth, sometimes they need nudged out.

I wish it was the case that people could 'take the hint' as it were but very often they get to the point where you get pushed over the edge. I always try to be diplomatic and try to find a compromise. We're really lucky in Pegasus Fleet that there's a number of different groups who all play differently and it's usually possible to find someone a better place for them and their character but it's never easy and it's one of the things I like least about this 'hobby'.

I can only wish you luck with it and- if I may ramble on just a tad longer- advise that if it's good for the person and good for your game in the long run, they'll come around.

 

If you don't want them on site because they don't fit or they cause problems with you/staff/others... it's kinda better to just ask them to leave outright than trying to slowly nudge them out. I mean better that you be frank and level with them than have them spend weeks finding out on their own and get even more distant/resentful over it. I mean their attitudes do bleed over and affect others. People end up going to great lengths not to upset them or cause issues. And that sort of behaviour isn't healthy. And it really isn't fair to the community to have to spend weeks evading and/or walking on eggshells to prevent issues all the while trying to get them to leave on their own. So, sure, it might suck to have to ask them to leave (or grow/toughen up if they intend to stay) but better to do that and get the whining, crying and problems dealt with quickly than stretch that out over a period of weeks.
Plus, as an aside, would you rather an admin approach you to say "hey, it's not working out... we think it'd be better if you found another game to play on" or have to take a couple weeks (or longer, all the while wonder what you did wrong to make people avoid you... worrying that your plots aren't good enough among other things) to figure it out on your own?


Personally, I've never had to ask someone to leave yet. (I've debated asking someone to leave, and am debating it again...) in most cases if I would have to ask someone to leave they've reached a point where I could justifiably ban them too. (Which is usually what has happened. Their behaviour or actions have reached a point where I can't take any more... So they have to go.)

Sure they get a warning or two before the official ban comes down. But in most cases, the warnings only highlight that they aren't fit to be members. They tend to react poorly an expedite the removal process. I mean if you warn a good member, they tend to apologize for their mistakes and then shape up. If they actually cared about being a good member and remaining a part of the community, they wouldn't be behaving the way they do.

 

WOW. You have the exact same problem I had. I had a member who took things far too personally when it was just in character things or she got jealous when other people were plotting or talking about things she wasn't in on. She was a close friend of mine for a while... Or I considered her one but toward the end, she became terrible and I was uncomfortable around her. I asked her to leave the forum in the politest way I could manage and she called me names, blocked me anywhere she could do so, and then left the site flouncing. The worst part? She never replied to my messages personally and never talked to me. She waited until my mod at the time contacted her and then told HER how she really felt and then posted all over SNS that she knew I was following her on without actually coming to me with her issues. So yeah. Lost a friend but it wasn't much of a loss.

I think you should just bite the bullet and ask those people to leave. There's no guaranteed way to make sure nobody freaks out but just remain calm, block and ban wherever you have to, and get on with your life. If you don't want certain people on your site, you're in no way obligated to keep them there. It's your site and you need to be happy there.

 

For me it depends on the person. Some will be weeded out naturally by the community or their own lack of commitment to the site, but those who are not you really need to put on your admin pants and say 'leave'. I've had to do that before, and it's not fun, but it does make the community run smoother. I'm more dedicated to the members who are around to have a good time, network, and generally enjoy themselves not those who take things too seriously and can't separate an IC slight from an OOC one. Characters don't always get along, it's a fact of RP, if you can't handle that you have no place with me.

 

This is a very tough thing to do, but in the end it is your site and if one member is going to ruin the enjoyment of your site then they don't belong there.

I once had a staff member on my site who I had to ask to leave then eventually ban for several reason. Which was sad because she had been part of the site for as long as it had been in existence. However, she was the same way. She took everything to heart, got upset and said we hated her because we wanted to take her off her staff position (which was pretty important to us) because she was always on a hiatus. Like seriously, she's go on hiatus for a week to a month then come back for a day not do any of her staff responsibilities, then go on hiatus again. Then she would tells us she only felt important because she was on staff. I told her that she need to do her job and be the leader we expected her to be. After years of her not stepping up we had to cut her from the team. Didn't mean we didn't want her apart of the site. But then she'd get moody and violent in chat if things didn't go her way. :/ She eventually ran off with some other members (All who abused her but one) then talked badly about us and tried to steal our ideas that they had no hand in. -.-

But she and the others she ran off with, made other members feel bad about being on my site and that I will not stand for. The site is for EVERYONE. If you want to play elitist then make your own forum and be so there. I do not tolerate that behavior on my site.

 

This.

I've been lucky in that I think I've really only had to ask two people to leave. Everyone else just left on their own with no explanation (in some of those cases I wish I had known why they were leaving but they never reached out to me) or did give an explanation, in some cases. One person was just a toxic member. I wasn't having any fun role playing my character with him, and on an OOC point he was scaring away potential members, was a know-it-all and basically got his pants in a twist when the activity was low and we decided to push things ahead by 6 months ICly because it meant that his plans for his character that he wanted in the spotlight were getting screwed up. I finally said enough is enough and told him he had to leave.

The other member was just immature. His application wasn't written very well at all, and he argued with us about...something. Even his friend that recruited him into joining was telling him he was wrong (in the cbox) and it still didn't make a difference. He tried using having Aspberger's as an excuse for his behavior, which angered one of my staff members because his brother has it. I think I asked him to leave and also banned him because it was just THAT bad.

You shouldn't have to make sacrifices in favor of members who just don't fit your site. It needs to be fun for you, too, you know? Otherwise, what's the point? You start not having as much fun any more and then it's like a chore to try and do anything for your site, and that's not fun or fair to you or the members.

 

Very much this. I think the biggest indicator for me is if a person is constantly at the center of drama. If they are, then chances are they are the one instigating it, even if they don't seem to be either the victim or the aggressor. In my experience, 9 times out of 10, if you find the problem and eliminate it, I. E. ask the right person to leave or outright ban them, then the problem will resolve. That being said, there are just some people who, like fracturedrpg said, will leave because of the community or lack of commitment so it's just a waiting game. I wouldn't ask someone to leave unless they were a persistent problem.

 

It's a difficult and complex problem. In my sincere opinion I don't ask them to leave, merely to give them a chance to redeem themselves. I am aiming at a warning system and implementat into the community as rules. Give one warning, second and third your out.

 

We had to start looking at this recently. Mostly because people were reporting the admins for silly things. Like talking too much in the chatbox which the lead admin tossed out as he wasn't going to ask us to change. I think it comes down to when does someone become unhealthy for the rest of the site. You need to bring it up gently at first. When we did moderator applications we made a few mistakes but it was our first time doing anything of the sort. We chose the best person for the job. I'm highly active in the community and friends with everyone.. still people said we handed her the spot because we talked to her friendly. It just comes down to what you think is too much.

 

Oh goddess. Yes, I've had to deal with this and as someone who suffers from some gnarly mental health issues I have been that have caused issues. But, there's a very big difference between people who are having a bad brain day to those who honestly have attitudes that easily lead to toxic behavior. To be honest, when I work with a community I try to keep a small mental picture of the personalities I'm working with. If someone shows obviously troubled behavior I'll definitely speak to the rest of the staff about it.

If people do show constant problem behavior we'll note it and probably start taking notes. Paper trails are your friends when it comes to this, and if people are doing things that are minor, but build up over time it's important.

I've had to tell a few people in different groups that we are not the group for them. I've had to block people for their toxicity in the past.